to tell you what my brand of schizophrenia was like or "runnin and hidin"

i felt like i wanted to throw my head in the trash. i always wonder in retrospect about people who crave drama. i've had enough drama in my head for a lifetime and don't need any outside of my head either.

one day in the life:

strange days

i
awake
in the morning
to
no static
at all
but it catches me
as i let myself out the door

there is a haze
helium
inside the mind
and other words invade

i
shift to neutral
i want to cry
but there are no
more tears

this is my time in
and out of an unreal universe
25 years
and still
i
wonder/wander


this poem was written in psychosis about psychosis. (psychosis is such a dirty word to people, but that's another story.) psychotic symptoms were the norm for me for 25 years. i was going to try to explain it to you in prose, but maybe a poem would explain it better. this one i wrote in retrospect. imagine your life like this:


psychosis

25 years

in his jail

he was

a torturer/he masked the Fight

he was

sadistic/evil

he

      tried to

                    entice me

                                      to die

willingly

(only God had other plans)

he

had me bind and gag

my sane self

at gunpoint

playin russian roulette

with my head

and turned me so

i didn’t know

if anyone in my head

was sane

or me

he

had his cohorts

follow me everywhere

to insure

slavery

no freedom train

no Savior

blackout in my head

snow on every television

the world

disappeared

he

turned

everything i

loved grotesque

had me writin love letters

to

fictional characters

who screwed

emotions

for a living

and menaced

the enchanted forests

of a romantic mind

but i thought

(this was my downfall)

he

turned my

own words

against me

to nightmare

my days

and consume my nights

in a corner clutched head

sobbing

wanted to disconnect my head

and drop it

in the trash

the lights went out often

innocence

became the worst

dictionary word

because it wasn’t

and yet

it looked the pinkish rose petal

and was

he

would attack physically

from nowhere

never seen

demons

in all dimensions

he was the

devil’s

evil nemesis

hope i didn't scare you, but this is how it felt for me. sometimes much worse, but words can't describe. it's a terrible thing to lose your mind and i can't understand why people make us suffer twice with stigma. 

"runnin and hidin" is what i did a lot. but i couldn't get away from my head. i prayed to God to let me die. maybe that was blasphemous, but it's how i felt.