the things we leave behind

there are things we leave behind that we can never recover. i'm sure you can think of a few whether you have experienced a loss of your faculties or not. i was "struck down" at 20. i thought i was grown but i was still very much a child. i had no responsibilities but school and personal maintenance. suffice it to say, i was relatively carefree. i would have liked to progress from thos days gradually, naturally. i missed the natural progression of life at that stage into adulthood.

i would have liked to have been stable enough to meet someone and marry, have a family. i still don't think i am mature enough emotionally or financially to raise a child, especially on my own. sometimes, this saddens me. but, i know i couldn't have handled either in the state i was in.

i miss the friends i left behind because i was too paranoid to deal with them.

i miss the joy of meeting and knowing people because i was scared of them and thought they could read my mind.

i miss the many chances i had to make somewhat of the success of my life like the ongoing engineering internship, the newspaper job and the newsletter publishing job where i was a reporter. and even though i didn't particularly care for this job, the insurance job i got fired from (at least it was work).

i miss jacquese as i used to know her.

i missed a whole bunch of parties and clubs and foolishness. i used to love to trip with my friends.

i miss being the highly intelligent confident person i was and wonder if i would have maintained that had i progressed naturally.