whew...thank You Lord

So, I finished my stay at the partial hospital and am feeling very well. I just don't know what I "aspire" to do for a living. I don't know right now  if I'm cut out to be a peer counselor, but I don't want to make a rash decision. But, that's what doctors and therapists are for; they can help you make informed decisions regarding your health. Mine know me well, we have been working together for about 6 years.

I am much calmer now. I am going to release this to the Universe. Let go and let God. I have come to the decision that I am going to pay attention to my warning signs and limitations. This is not giving up but recognizing that my illness is chronic and when I feel really stressed or overwhelmed it can flare up or even if I'm not feeling stressed. It's the nature of the beast.

I will now check myself when I am overwhelmed instead of telling myself to suck it up, this is life. I would not ask a person with a physical ailment, like a missing limb to do something that their challenge doesn't permit them to do. Also, I would tell a peer that I am counseling that they must look after their mental health first. Because if they have a breakdown, they will not be able to do anything for a while. So, why am I so hard on myself?

It's a curse and a blessing to be a goal-oriented person with this kind of illness. It is a blessing because it keeps you going, even through the dark days. But, the world is not accommodating at all. This is why I feel so compelled to be a peer. I want to help and lend support first of all, but also have my limitations understood without ramifications.

This definitely did not happen at the first job I took. A low constant underlying weight of stress attacked my head. I didn't realize or wouldn't realize that I was paranoid, bordering on delusion. Thankfully, I left for other reasons before I had a total break. This was shortly before I went to the partial hospital in the summer.

I think what contributed to my break this January was the fact that I was operating in a business as usual mode. I didn't learn anything from my previous stay. I didn't acknowledge the stress that put me in the previous position.

Anyway, I'm out. I'm glad. I'm blessed to be alive today and very thankful that I have excellent family and medical supports. And no matter what I decide to do now, I know I'm going to make it. Even if I have to keep changing my goals. I'm going to be here anyway, right.