why is it paranoia symptoms are the last to go? i always think that there's some kind of conspiracy surrounding my existence on any level you can think of...or i can think of...
i guess it would be okay, sort of, if it was just paranoia..but paranoia unchecked for me leads to delusions and erratic behaviors associated with them...which could lead to psychosis (heaven forbid).
right now, i find that some people are looking at me as if i have three heads. real or unreal, this is getting to me. it is happening only in certain arenas and i know i should be strong and fight the symptoms, but the pressure is getting to me and all i can think about is that i am not going off the deep end again...
it happened in church yesterday. i'm going to the service to praise my God and people are looking at me like i have three heads...now i can think of lots of reasons why...first, being i made the mistake of disclosing with a minister to explain my spiritual position in the journey...other reasons could come into reason...anyhoo,who can praise and worship in that environment...it makes me most uncomfortable.
if i'm wrong, i'm still not going delusional by staying there...i also had a problem with the church before this but it was not imagined or intuitively reached at...
so, i have come to a grave conclusion...i have visited most of the churches in the area to find those two, so, i have decided to take a break from organized religion until i move...this is for real...i am not going backwards...i won't...
this is not to say that i don't believe, have Faith in, Trust with all my heart and talk to my God...I could not exist, let alone thrive like that and thrive i plan to do. let the devil be damned, as he is. but, some folks in organized religion just don't fit the definition of Christian to me (and i know i'm not supposed to judge). How can you call yourself Christian when on the most fundamental level you don't come through. churches, i have found are either fakes (all sanctified when they don't really mean it, it's an act) or highly political and only interested in the people who are "somebody" others are non-existent even if they try to work in the church.
and i know Jesus wouldn't have it this way, for me to give up on organized religion...he put a lot of emphasis on gathering and the disciples after he left addressed Christians in churches. but, this is not enough to hold me when i am in danger of delusions and subsequent erratic behavior...no thank you...i don't really want to worship with people like that anyway. but i don't think i have a choice.
the only problem i have is.....where do i pay my tithes?
signed
churchless in central new jersey
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