trying to overcome isolation and aloneness

After 29 years of being afraid of people for various reasons. They could read my mind, i could read theirs. I had paranoid delusions. They looked like ghoulish figuires. I thought they were ghouls. They wouldn't care or want to talk to me anyway. They were laughing and joking about me; and on. This was my life; I even doubted my family at times.

These machinations carry over into the good times I am experiencing now. I am still intimidated by large numbers of people in small spaces. Take the office I work in for example. The halls are very narrow and the rooms are very close and meetings are the worst. You are trapped; one way in and one way out. I know they think I'm manic because I walk very fast and work very hard. I can feel the hall's walls converging.

This was a good thing though. It forced me to recognize that some of the behaviors that were born to shield me when I was very ill are still around and must be worked on. Only with time and constant attention will they be overcome. I have to admit, I'm a bit of a hermit. It  hardly ever bothers me because I volunteer with NAMI a lot and know most of the people in the organization. It's the only stigma free zone I know besides the homes of my family. And, then there are my writing projects (numerous and on-going); and the open-mics and church and meetings. (yeah) And, sometimes I'm running ragged, even as a hermit.

I have this problem of analyzing everyone I come in contact with that I don't like or imagine that they don't like me. I'm not saying my analysis is wrong, but it is wrong for me to do it. I need to be a little more trusting (not a lot, just a little) and be more willing to reach out. I'm a Christian, it should be easy for me to Love my Neighbor, right.

This was the subject of a poetry slam I participated in. This was one of my poems:


i try (making a cosmic shift)


i am

trying to accept myself

warts and all…



i am trying to move into the Light

i am trying to make sense

of the machinations in this world

i am trying to make sense

i am trying

i am trying to extend

my hand to you

i am taking that chance



i am convinced

that anyone i see is my neighbor

and deserving of my respect



i am convinced

that the world works in stages

and only God knows

when they will change



we are remaking our destiny



we are making a cosmic shift

to anywhere

but here

when we identify our

shortcomings

and know our strengths

and love ourselves

then

we can

extend a hand

then we can love our neighbors.


So you see, I am trying and probably will be for the rest of my life; which is more than I can say for some folk.  (I am human).