recovery now

Now that I'm a peer specialist, I meet so many people that remind me of me in different stages of my illness. It's frightening sometimes. And, you want to give them the benefit of your experience and hindsight, but they don't see. Just like you didn't see when you were there. It's very frustrating. It's hard to try to help someone who doesn't think they need help or thinks they can do it themself, like I did.

I admit I was hell on wheels in my twenties. They weren't taking their cookie cutter approach and making a clone out of me! I was emphatic about that and to me it was non-negotiable. I didn't trust anyone. And, the very poeple who had to help me, i cursed out and gave them a hard time. I didn't realize that they were human and therefore would be less inclined to help me if I fought them tooth and nail. When I talked about breaking out of the hospital, even though I laugh about it now, this was part of that syndrome.

Not only that, I had it in my head that I was going to be a pulitzer prize winning writer. Therefore, you know that I didn't want them f-ing with my brain. And at the same time the emotional pain was so intense that I oscillated between this mode and give me anything just stop it!

I'm remembering shock treatments. I haven't talked about that yet have I? I missed a golden opportunity to meet someone of the highest caliber, because I was zombied. Just out of the hospital after shock treatments. The medical profession says they're safe, but having had them on two occasions, I think I lost a lot of brain cells.

The first time, I went back to school and failed courses for the first time. The last time, I was reduced to a Stepford wife for a period of time I can't recall (I wonder why?) and I wasn't even married.

But, I digress. Life is good now. I used to think that I was going to do something profound with my life. I no longer care as long as I can pay my own way and maintain. This poem I wrote in church the other day.

jus passin through

God has been blessing me
so
i'm always lookin
for a way to
be a blessing to
someone else
used ta think
it'd be thru writing
but now i think
it's just  to smile
and say hey
hey (smile)
-jacquese 10/30//11