but i still sing

sonia sanchez is one of my favorite poet/writers and this title was inspired by her title for a play, "i'm black when i'm singing, i'm blue when i ain't." by the way, every poem that appears in this blog is mine.

takin' a cue from sonia

i am singing
i am singing
blue mist on
cherry blossom sunset
incantations of
Joy
inert madness
differentiates
down
       from
             incubated nights

but the moon spits

             and i sing

i am singing
out of fashion
out of time
unfunky essence
like a ufo in a george clinton
lyric
is where i got my funk from
intimate nonsense
i used to hold dear
                       build my earth
on

what is earth? now
that i am standin'
in the middle of the road

earth is a planet
i visit
as little as
possible gravitate toward
a jacquese joint
blow it up
    and effervesce
bubbles of neon
yeah...
it's like that

real/natural


my interest in writing poetry has brought me through a lot of tough times. people don't want to hear your woes all the time. some don't want to hear them ever. i have found it is better to drop them as friends for the sake of my self-esteem.

but since i've been well, i have noticed myself avoiding some people with depression problems. the person i'm talking about saps your energy like she's the paper towel and you're the spill. i had to tell myself, remember when you were there and no one wanted to be around you.

someone once said to me that when he sees negative people he runs. one guy said to him, i saw you one day and was going to speak but you ran in the other direction. with my newly acquired positivity (that sometimes fades in and out), i can appreciate his stance. it's like on a plane. the more stable individual puts on their oxygen mask before they assist the weaker one. otherwise, they both will die.

i'm having a difficult time right now. i'm being truthful, but it goes with the territory.

at times like these, i remind myself that i used to be seriously depressed, psychotic and delusional at the same time. i used to hope to die everyday. everyday. i prayed to God for years just to restore my sanity. i didn't need anything else. finally, when i just admitted to myself that i would live in this state for the rest of my life, they found a drug that worked. He doesn't come when you want Him, but He's always right on time. it was a tough lesson to learn, but i learned without a shadow of a doubt that my time is not God's time and from this lesson i learned patience.

i can't expect those of you out there who are agnostic to understand. i have a deep and abiding connection to my Maker. it is not just one way and it is Love. i know that He cares for me as a Father cares for a child. any parent worth their salt will teach their children the lessons they need to live a fulfilling life. i feel that God has done and is still doing that for me. after all, life is nothing if not a growing experience.

my father believes this growing experience theory, but he jokingly says that sometimes he wakes up in the morning and prays, please God, don't make me grow today.

so, every time i look back i have a greater appreciation for where i am. and, believe me, this bout with depression
is a minor inconvenience compared to what i used to go through daily for 25 years. even my recent delusional episode was so minute, a minor inconvenience, compared to that space of time.

i am blessed. i have a family that cares about me, deeply. and i truly feel that. i have shelter, my own transportation, food and a job that is challenging me. and, my doctor is working with me on it now and we will monitor my mood and change my meds accordingly.

sometimes, i forget where i came from and i have to remind myself that i have to have patience first and foremost with myself. there's no use beating myself up over it. it's not my fault. but, i do have to deal with it. and, i try to do that in a positive way. this is where i am now.