for those who just joined

For those of you who just joined, I'd like to explain a couple of things.

This blog was created to discuss frankly mental health issues by using my own life as an example. Initially, it was just one way of marketing for some memoirs I've written, however, now I have put those projects on the back burner and am concentrating on speaking and writing as a way to help people understand and inspire others. One of my long term goals is to be an inspirational/motivational speaker and writer who not only is effective as a "stigma buster". but who can live off of her craft.

I am very frank in my revelations through my mental health recovery process.

My nemesis is called schizo-affective disorder. It's basically the symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.The symptoms I have endured over a 31 year period are hearing voices, mood swings, extreme paranoia, delusions, depression, mania, anxiety and suicidal ideations. For 25 of these 31 years, I was medication intolerant, which means that my symptoms were not manageable and most days, I had one or more of these symptoms to live with.

I am inspired to share my journey, because no one ever hears about the "average Joe" who has a thought disorder. It is either an extremely successful person, a genius or someone who shoots people supposedly because of their illness. I want to dispel this myth. Mental illness cuts straight across the board and reaches all ethnicities, all socio-economic levels and all intelligence levels. Mostly, we are people in a bad situation trying to cope with it daily;  some, depending on how severe  it is maybe minute by minute. Minute by minute is how I coped for those 25 years.

Believing in the mythical Ghanaian bird, Sankofa, I am also looking back and writing for my own purposes. Now that for the last 7 years, I have had it somewhat under control until recently, my biggest fear is that I will go back to the state I was in for those 25 years and stay for the rest of my life. Sometimes, I cry about this. It scares me. It scares me since over the past 7 months I have had to visit the acute partial psychiatric program (when you only go daily, it's not in-patient)as I have been experiencing breaks with reality again. I have been reminded by the psychiatrist at the hospital that this will happen from time to time for the rest of my life. Scary right.Think about living with it. NO, REALLY THINK about it. That's what this blog is about.

This blog is written for the intolerant, the families of, the empathetic who are interested in and the actual bearers of mental illness.

By the way, you will see poetic entries from time to time. This is usually how I express myself to the world and I find that in trying to describe such a horrifyingly unreal and constant illness, this skill is a useful tool.

Please, be my guest, and read past blogs to understand where I am coming from. I have only scratched the surface with this entry. I recommend that you at least read the first 10 or so to get a background on the illness and how it initially affected my life.

I hope to be a force in eradicating stigma against people with a mental illness. We shouldn't have to suffer twice. For this reason, I do a lot of volunteer work speaking and writing within the  general and mental health community in hopes of being a blessing to this cause. I am at the grass roots level and am just laying groundwork for what I ultimately want to do.

If you don't believe it, watch me.

Dilemma: Should a peer counselor lose their job over having symptoms in the workplace?

The whole episode was so disheartening. First of all, this was the first time I ever had a break in the presence of people. This has always been my biggest fear as a person with a thought disorder (schizo-affective). I feel like one of my close kept secrets was divulged and that doesn’t help.

Second, what do I do now? This is the third career I’ve had to walk away from because of my thought disorder and state. First, there was Chemical Engineering. It was easy but a lot of work. I did it because I could and I thought of the money I would make with my degree. Unfortunately, in the middle of this pursuit, the disorder reared its ugly head. After my first hospitalization which ended with ECT (shock treatments), I found I could no longer execute calculus or understand engineering processes; even the ones I had already mastered. I grieved about this for a long time, as if it was a loss of life. It was a loss of life, mine.     

I then changed my discipline to Journalism because the only thing I was good at besides math and science was writing. This was a trial because of the thought disorder. Even though I found the work easy, I was in and out of the hospital. Finally, six years after the start of my junior year in engineering, I finished.

Toledo, OH held no promise of journalism work for me, so I moved to D.C. in hopes of finding some. In two months, I found a position at a newsletter publishing firm. I worked there for one year until I could no longer tolerate the daily intensity of my symptoms. (I have usually been good at masking.) I was still in my 25 year period that I was med-resistant, meaning no medication helped my symptoms. So, I went to my mother’s and father’s house, took a six month hiatus, found a newspaper job at a small daily and in two weeks had a private panic attack that led to an attempted suicide. I thought that if I couldn’t take care of myself, I didn’t want to live. That was the second career: over.

After working a barrage of jobs from a law firm to a fast food restaurant, I decided to work at a company, any job, any company. I worked at a bank full time for seven years, until I took F.M.L.A. and they gave me a hard time after I came back. I then worked at an insurance company full time for two years until I was asked to resign.

Now I have prepared and was enthusiastic about being a peer specialist. I got a W.R.A.P (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) certificate, completed the educational requirements and completed 500 hours of service toward my CRSP certificate for peer specialists.

This is now a done deal also because I fear that I am not cut out for this work. It has failed on the out-patient hospital level and now at an agency.

I am numb. My head feels empty.  What am I going to do? I don’t know.

In an answer to the question I posed in the title, I don’t believe it would be fair in most cases. When you hire a peer, you take a package that you’re aware of. However, in my circumstance, if I went back I would be lessened in the eyes of my co-workers. Perhaps they would not trust me or my work anymore. My symptoms manifested themselves in a total demonstration of a lack of self-control. In other words, I had a total melt down. This in turn would not make a good working environment for anyone.  Therefore, I opted not to come back before a discussion even took place because I knew it would not be good for me, either.

This question is probably going to be pondered by others in the future as more and more peers are hired to do something no one else can do for clients: give them first hand information of how to deal with a mental illness, chronic by definition.

As for me, after I cried a lot about my situation the first few days, I realized that “this too shall pass.” With the help of my medical team, my psychiatrist and therapist, I came to realize that I was once again having psychotic symptoms. This hadn’t happened since we found the right medication 7 years ago. I also realized that I needed some “acute” help in overcoming this present obstacle. So, I checked into an acute partial hospital program where I will spend 6 to 8 weeks getting over the trauma of this and learning new coping skills.

Will I go back to peer counseling? That’s still up in the air.

###

ya  barkin up the right tree now
 

 last night as i

lay

asleep

the blues walked in

stirring my senses

trying to fade my existence

 

i lead with my heart

mind detached

where was i?

running

running from shadows

and i was increasing the distance

making life comfortable

but then…

 

the blues walked in

the last time he was here

i put

my life on pause

i was hollow

my reflection said no

 

‘cause the blues walked in

 

do you know what it means

to come full circle?

like some time warped space

and wonder

if history will keep

                                 repeating

                                           repeating

                                                   repeating

mind state says no

sat down

made himself comfortable

like heartache

in the dinah washington groove

it defied logic

like so many pop tunes

it defied gravity

like implants

it defied

my inherent personal stature

 

 

 

i was there

but

the blues walked in…

carried me back here

full circle…

 

but i’m smarter than

the blues

laugh in his face

turn the circle into

a three dimensional space

and integrate

calculating space

         and time

  and flow

‘cause i got craft

and my skills can cut a nail

so after

the blues walked in

i could just float away

having acknowledged

my faults

now

lighter than air

my voice

strong like steel

 

so

when the blues walked in

i laughed at my own comedic genius

confused the man

and turned him into

Joy

 

i’m just sayin

he was barkin up

the right tree

 

treatment by subconscious intimidation

this is a poem about the place I didn't want to go to for help...i found it the other day with some other things...i wrote it as i was leaving...

treatment by subconscious intimidation

i was paranoid
and they tried to
batter my brain
like a steak
under a tenderizing maillot

i wasn't goin' for it

i hate all psychiatric institutions
but especially
this one

i wasn't goin' for it

they did so many marketing jobs in groups
trying to sell the premise                                                            
of the delapidated shallow program

i wasn't goin' for it

i have mapped my own psychological journey
since I got in this game
far more intricate/ far more
specific
and probably more effective

i wasn't goin' or their convuluted bullshit

i  have always been
self-motivated
i have always formulated and
executed
my own theories
highly effective
with the right medication

i believe in the riht
chemical balance in the brain
but know
a pill is not a panacea
so i have worked hard on myself
i deserve a break

i'm not goin' for it

and now as i walk out the door
sane/medication adjusted
but not affected by their
bullshit

'cause i wasn't goin' for it

the meltdown

So, I got this great new job as a peer counselor. It was exactly what I wanted to do. It was a friendly environment. It was a full-time position with benefits after 90 days which is very hard to find in the NJ peer field. Being full-time would help me to fulfill my goal of getting off of social security disability.

I was on a high. I felt great. I was optimistic about my future.Sure there were things on the job I was having my doubts about; but, doesn't everyone as they learn the ropes.

It was my 7th day on the job and I came in early as usual. My co-workers kept increasing the levels of their voices and music as if they were agitated about something. They were laughing intermittently for no reason. they were all 20 somethings, closer to 20.This was around the age  had my first psychotic break.

I thought to myself...uh-oh...I've been here before...I thought I had my head covered... I thought my head was covered 'cause this hasn't happened in 8 years...

I thought my co-workers could read my mind and were therefore agitated because I could not adequately cover it.

Anyone who knows anything about Schizophrenia knows (it is not a multiple personality disorder) this is a classic symptom. Schizophrenia is a thought disorder.

I have the pleasure of having Schizo-affective disorder bipolar. this means that not only do I get the thought disorder symptoms but get emotional symptoms as well. I am subject to mood swings. In addition, I sometimes have panic attacks, but I haven't had one for decades. I believe I have PTSD for the 25 years they could not control the thought symptoms. I was med-resistant; nothing would work on me until they tried a then new drug on the mark, Abilify. This was about 7 years ago.

Seven years of bliss I had without psychotic symptoms (mind-reading, voices, extreme paranoia). I was only plagued with mild cases of paranoia which were "nipped in the bud" before they turned into psychotic symptoms. But, there has always been that warning before psychosis reared its horrifying ugly head.We (my treatment team and I) are usually successful at this.

On this 7th workday of my new job, I started having the psychotic symptoms with no warning. Of course I think they're real (that's why they're psychotic). the nurse who had a 1:00 appointment to go over some info with me suddenly moved it to now. She wanted to get me concentrating so that the team could get some relief from the thoughts in my brain because I couldn't cover my head.

So, cool...we'll try this until I get a chance to figure this one out...but the 20 somethings get laughing and raising their voices again...even my supervisor was participating...I guess I was seriously disturbing them...

Why is this happening now?.. It never happened around the mature adults I usually work and socialize with (I'm 51)...It must be something about the cruelty of children...If something is open, they're going to tear into it...And so they did this with my head...

I could not  help tearing up and it was increasing as I was working with the nurse...At one point I had to get a tissue...my boss told me if I didn't feel well I could go home...This meant and don't come back until you learn to cover your head...but I said no...I was determined to stick it out...I mean I have worked hard to get t to this place in my life...

The nurse and I finished and as I got to my work station the tears were full blown...why was this happening now?.. It accelerated into a full blown panic attack...I could not stop the "hard" crying.

My supervisor again asked if I needed to go home...I said yes...and now I was crying so hard I  had to cover my face...It was uncontrollable.

So, I started ripping my decoration off the wall, gathering my stuff from overhead and drawers that I slammed back...I got my stuff together...and mumbled after she asked would I come back tomorrow, "No, I'm getting the fuck out of here."

With that I started to leave as she urged me to talk to her or let her walk me to my car or could she call me the next day...to each I replied "No!"

So, stuff clumsily in hand I made a beeline to my car, highly upset and drove home with panicky tears...i now focused my attention on a bottle of Klonopin I had in my apartment... It would be so easy...I can't keep going through with this until I die. I thought of my family and drove to my therapist's building instead hoping that she could see me as an emergency.

It was she who told me that I was having psychotic symptoms...I didn't believe her..she brought the doctor in...I didn't believe her...besides the ladies at the front desk were  having some of the same problems as my co-workers...the doctor then prescribed a medication I had been weened off of...It makes you drowsy and forgetful and gain a whole lot of weight...you can't stop eating...these are the side effects...she said it was necessary because I needed something strong..

I went home and took one Klonopin which knocked me out and it still took me for or five hours until I could see that these were just symptoms...for that day...

My mind was blown...How could this have happened?..again and why now, just as I was getting to t he place I had worked so hard to be...i felt totally defeated, deflated...and humiliated...Did I need to be sufficiently humbled?..I couldn't even finish 2 weeks.

the next day I felt like my mind had blown a fuse...the therapist said yeah well you did. the day after that when I could reason correctly a little more, I found some similarities...

Twenty somethings:  I was 20 when I had the first psychotic break and this scenario played out i a classroom on a testing day and I ran home hysterical... I thank God that my dad and brother had come to "visit" at my mother's request because I had been acting "strange"...Hysterically, I told my father about the mind-reading...PTSD flashback...total meltdown in public (at least I'm a stylish basket-case)...humiliation beyond compare...

When I told my dad and mom of my suspicions and had my dad remember that hysterical first break...He realized the level of my humiliation...

Today is the 8th day after the meltdown and the blues are walking in...I know I need help...But I also know where they would send me...but I want to use another venue.

I just don't want to get back to where I was in 2002...the series of hospital and partial hospital visits with no relief from symptoms...I don't know if I could handle  this again...I'm much older now...not as strong and not as versatile...

Vision

Vision

i

am my own best motivator

 

(Vision is

seeing beyond

reality to the place

you want to be)

 

there

is my fervent quest

‘cause here

is never good enough

making a stand and walking

is hard

but since i don’t have a vehicle

i guess

i’ll walk

 

(someone once said

the journey of a thousand miles

begins with one step.)

 

i’ll walk to the Destiny

i have planned for myself

because

i’m worth it

i earned it

i am it

 

thinking on the past

disturbances and interruptions

and despite them

knowing

that in a Positive way:

there is not here

and here

is no longer there

 

yes

the tightrope

no longer exists

it has become

a waste of energy

i continue to journey

and sometimes

i fly.

jacquese armstrong1/28/13

 

fly.

 

i stand on the cliff’s

edge and

look down

waiting to freefall

no more fear…

 

hurt

 is no longer the superhero

accosting me as if i was

the villain

i won’t allow it

 

i no longer hold

disappointments dear

they are not welcomed

in my circle/

standing tall irreverent

to the pain that

held me hostage

for some exorbitant amount

so many yesterdays

 

i stand strong

among the flowers

(even the weeds)

my roots run deep

are not easily

displaced

 

look over my shoulder

and see

my only friend

resilience

say hello…

 

…i

am at the cliff’s edge

renewed

look down with no fear/glow

as i transform

in free fall

into a bird

and fly.

            fly.

                 fly.