the meltdown

So, I got this great new job as a peer counselor. It was exactly what I wanted to do. It was a friendly environment. It was a full-time position with benefits after 90 days which is very hard to find in the NJ peer field. Being full-time would help me to fulfill my goal of getting off of social security disability.

I was on a high. I felt great. I was optimistic about my future.Sure there were things on the job I was having my doubts about; but, doesn't everyone as they learn the ropes.

It was my 7th day on the job and I came in early as usual. My co-workers kept increasing the levels of their voices and music as if they were agitated about something. They were laughing intermittently for no reason. they were all 20 somethings, closer to 20.This was around the age  had my first psychotic break.

I thought to myself...uh-oh...I've been here before...I thought I had my head covered... I thought my head was covered 'cause this hasn't happened in 8 years...

I thought my co-workers could read my mind and were therefore agitated because I could not adequately cover it.

Anyone who knows anything about Schizophrenia knows (it is not a multiple personality disorder) this is a classic symptom. Schizophrenia is a thought disorder.

I have the pleasure of having Schizo-affective disorder bipolar. this means that not only do I get the thought disorder symptoms but get emotional symptoms as well. I am subject to mood swings. In addition, I sometimes have panic attacks, but I haven't had one for decades. I believe I have PTSD for the 25 years they could not control the thought symptoms. I was med-resistant; nothing would work on me until they tried a then new drug on the mark, Abilify. This was about 7 years ago.

Seven years of bliss I had without psychotic symptoms (mind-reading, voices, extreme paranoia). I was only plagued with mild cases of paranoia which were "nipped in the bud" before they turned into psychotic symptoms. But, there has always been that warning before psychosis reared its horrifying ugly head.We (my treatment team and I) are usually successful at this.

On this 7th workday of my new job, I started having the psychotic symptoms with no warning. Of course I think they're real (that's why they're psychotic). the nurse who had a 1:00 appointment to go over some info with me suddenly moved it to now. She wanted to get me concentrating so that the team could get some relief from the thoughts in my brain because I couldn't cover my head.

So, cool...we'll try this until I get a chance to figure this one out...but the 20 somethings get laughing and raising their voices again...even my supervisor was participating...I guess I was seriously disturbing them...

Why is this happening now?.. It never happened around the mature adults I usually work and socialize with (I'm 51)...It must be something about the cruelty of children...If something is open, they're going to tear into it...And so they did this with my head...

I could not  help tearing up and it was increasing as I was working with the nurse...At one point I had to get a tissue...my boss told me if I didn't feel well I could go home...This meant and don't come back until you learn to cover your head...but I said no...I was determined to stick it out...I mean I have worked hard to get t to this place in my life...

The nurse and I finished and as I got to my work station the tears were full blown...why was this happening now?.. It accelerated into a full blown panic attack...I could not stop the "hard" crying.

My supervisor again asked if I needed to go home...I said yes...and now I was crying so hard I  had to cover my face...It was uncontrollable.

So, I started ripping my decoration off the wall, gathering my stuff from overhead and drawers that I slammed back...I got my stuff together...and mumbled after she asked would I come back tomorrow, "No, I'm getting the fuck out of here."

With that I started to leave as she urged me to talk to her or let her walk me to my car or could she call me the next day...to each I replied "No!"

So, stuff clumsily in hand I made a beeline to my car, highly upset and drove home with panicky tears...i now focused my attention on a bottle of Klonopin I had in my apartment... It would be so easy...I can't keep going through with this until I die. I thought of my family and drove to my therapist's building instead hoping that she could see me as an emergency.

It was she who told me that I was having psychotic symptoms...I didn't believe her..she brought the doctor in...I didn't believe her...besides the ladies at the front desk were  having some of the same problems as my co-workers...the doctor then prescribed a medication I had been weened off of...It makes you drowsy and forgetful and gain a whole lot of weight...you can't stop eating...these are the side effects...she said it was necessary because I needed something strong..

I went home and took one Klonopin which knocked me out and it still took me for or five hours until I could see that these were just symptoms...for that day...

My mind was blown...How could this have happened?..again and why now, just as I was getting to t he place I had worked so hard to be...i felt totally defeated, deflated...and humiliated...Did I need to be sufficiently humbled?..I couldn't even finish 2 weeks.

the next day I felt like my mind had blown a fuse...the therapist said yeah well you did. the day after that when I could reason correctly a little more, I found some similarities...

Twenty somethings:  I was 20 when I had the first psychotic break and this scenario played out i a classroom on a testing day and I ran home hysterical... I thank God that my dad and brother had come to "visit" at my mother's request because I had been acting "strange"...Hysterically, I told my father about the mind-reading...PTSD flashback...total meltdown in public (at least I'm a stylish basket-case)...humiliation beyond compare...

When I told my dad and mom of my suspicions and had my dad remember that hysterical first break...He realized the level of my humiliation...

Today is the 8th day after the meltdown and the blues are walking in...I know I need help...But I also know where they would send me...but I want to use another venue.

I just don't want to get back to where I was in 2002...the series of hospital and partial hospital visits with no relief from symptoms...I don't know if I could handle  this again...I'm much older now...not as strong and not as versatile...