Second, what do I do now? This is the third career
I’ve had to walk away from because of my thought disorder and state. First,
there was Chemical Engineering. It was easy but a lot of work. I did it because
I could and I thought of the money I would make with my degree. Unfortunately,
in the middle of this pursuit, the disorder reared its ugly head. After my
first hospitalization which ended with ECT (shock treatments), I found I could
no longer execute calculus or understand engineering processes; even the ones I
had already mastered. I grieved about this for a long time, as if it was a loss
of life. It was a loss of life, mine.
I then changed my discipline to Journalism because
the only thing I was good at besides math and science was writing. This was a
trial because of the thought disorder. Even though I found the work easy, I was
in and out of the hospital. Finally, six years after the start of my junior
year in engineering, I finished.
Toledo, OH held no promise of journalism work for
me, so I moved to D.C. in hopes of finding some. In two months, I found a
position at a newsletter publishing firm. I worked there for one year until I
could no longer tolerate the daily intensity of my symptoms. (I have usually
been good at masking.) I was still in my 25 year period that I was
med-resistant, meaning no medication helped my symptoms. So, I went to my
mother’s and father’s house, took a six month hiatus, found a newspaper job at
a small daily and in two weeks had a private panic attack that led to an
attempted suicide. I thought that if I couldn’t take care of myself, I didn’t
want to live. That was the second career: over.
After working a barrage of jobs from a law firm to a
fast food restaurant, I decided to work at a company, any job, any company. I
worked at a bank full time for seven years, until I took F.M.L.A. and they gave
me a hard time after I came back. I then worked at an insurance company full
time for two years until I was asked to resign.
Now I have prepared and was enthusiastic about being
a peer specialist. I got a W.R.A.P (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) certificate,
completed the educational requirements and completed 500 hours of service
toward my CRSP certificate for peer specialists.
This is now a done deal also because I fear that I
am not cut out for this work. It has failed on the out-patient hospital level
and now at an agency.
I am numb. My head feels empty. What am I going to do? I don’t know.
In an answer to the question I posed in the title, I
don’t believe it would be fair in most cases. When you hire a peer, you take a
package that you’re aware of. However, in my circumstance, if I went back I would
be lessened in the eyes of my co-workers. Perhaps they would not trust me or my
work anymore. My symptoms manifested themselves in a total demonstration of a
lack of self-control. In other words, I had a total melt down. This in turn
would not make a good working environment for anyone. Therefore, I opted not to come back before a
discussion even took place because I knew it would not be good for me, either.
This question is probably going to be pondered by
others in the future as more and more peers are hired to do something no one
else can do for clients: give them first hand information of how to deal with a
mental illness, chronic by definition.
As for me, after I cried a lot about my situation
the first few days, I realized that “this too shall pass.” With the help of my
medical team, my psychiatrist and therapist, I came to realize that I was once
again having psychotic symptoms. This hadn’t happened since we found the right
medication 7 years ago. I also realized that I needed some “acute” help in
overcoming this present obstacle. So, I checked into an acute partial hospital
program where I will spend 6 to 8 weeks getting over the trauma of this and
learning new coping skills.
Will I go back to peer counseling? That’s still up
in the air.
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