If you had known me just five years ago, you would not recognize the human being I've become. I didn't have the right meds then and therefore, could not effectively turn my life around no matter how hard I tried. I was severely depressed, hearing voices, thinking people could read my mind and scared of people in general. After I got the right medication, I knew it was up to me to make the turnaround; to bring the Joy back into my life. This is the bridge I built to fill the gap.
There are four things that bridged the gap for me from four years ago until now. They brought me to a degree of wellness that I can live with. They brought me my Joy back.
I first had to truly accept my illness and all the complications that come along with it. I will always be in a state of recovery.
Acceptance goes a long way. To me, if you accept something, then you take responsibility for it. You either try to change it or you live with it. But, it is your choice and no one else can carry the blame. I was ten years into the illness before I was able to begin bearing that load. Now, I own my illness and the pains that come along with it as spiritual challenges and growth. But then, I’m a poet.
But, don’t get me wrong, it’s no cake walk. Even when you find the right combination of medications (which I have entitled Russian roulette, only instead of one bullet, there is only one chamber empty), there is no guarantee of how long that combination will continue to work. There is always the threat of relapse looming over your head. This is why acceptance is so hard. It doesn’t seem fair to recover only to relapse again.
That’s why another part of getting your Joy back and keeping it is learning to deal with disappointment. I developed what I call the four R’s to deal with mine. I’ve had to do this most of my life.
First, you refocus, you single in on one positive aspect of your calamity. Then, you re-evaluate, to see if you might be able to use another route or another goal. You redefine yourself in light of the new goal and truly commit to it, trying not to look back. You then bundle all these together and redirect yourself towards the new route or goal. This has always worked for me; but, not without regrets. I am human.
I had to use this to deal with the reality that I would never be the scientist I wanted to be and never have the life I would have lived had I been that scientist and not had a mental illness. I still grieve for that 20 year old me. I probably always will.
But, you also have to recognize the beauty of God’s plan. Now, I know that the days that I suffered only reinforce my newfound Joy and make me a knowingly stronger person because I survived. Now, I can only say that God has blessed me. I can’t let my old longings dominate my thoughts. There are new challenges waiting.
To sustain my Joy, I give myself over to an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude is an acknowledgement of a benefit that one has received or will receive. Most people don’t think of receiving something positive from pain and gratitude is a positive emotion. But, scientists tell us that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Whatever is taken from you, you will get back and more. I truly believe this. So, when I’m going through a difficult time, I count my blessings.
The spiritual dimension of me is probably the main thing that has kept me through these years and even now. I was thinking today that every day I wake up sane, or as the old people used to say “clothed in my right mind,” is a blessing from God. Everything else is gravy. It will be this way until I die. (I am not planning on getting that ill again.)
Gratitude thinking is a good thing to do when I think back on the trauma I’ve been through living with a mental illness. Mental illness is a traumatic event in your life. But there is always something to grateful for. For me sometimes, it is simple. Sometimes, it is just knowing that I have a roof over my head, transportation, a job that I want to make my career and food to eat. If you had known me just five years ago when I was still severely depressed and hoped to die everyday, you would be amazed. I am. I am now thankful for every day in my life and I wouldn’t miss one.
Wellness came for me like night into day. One day I was praying to die and the next day I was looking forward to a new day and enjoying the day given.
You always look back if you’ve suffered long enough. Twenty-five years was just too long. But once you get that Joy back, you protect it like its gold…
-jacquese
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